I’m not sure what the deal is with Chris Brown’s ex-punching bag but it seems like she’s really embracing her ‘animalistic’ side, and I don’t mean it in a dirty way. Look I have tried hard enough to resist making a single racist joke about her but Jeezus christ the bitch sure is asking for it–without the lube.

Here she is at some event looking like a spider monkey with a bad hair dye. If you’re not convinced, then perhaps THIS will put my point across.

Good lawd almighty! Mama Mia! Is it raining asses this week or what? See, I have no idea who this latina with the nice doo-doo is but Mr.Long-Nose here took the liberty to google who this hot chick is he’s fapping to tonight. Name’s Belen Rodriguez from Argentina. Yeah, it’s always a Belen.

Here she is taking her sweet cooter and doo-doo for a tan in Miami.

In other lactating news, here’s Christina Hendrick’s juicy jugs in the running for first place with the only good thing the Kardashians offered to humanity for the World’s Milkiest Jugs title. What’s that? Oh, she’s not really lact–aaah sorry I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my dick throbbing. *slaps dick on the computer screen* I can’t hear youuuu…la la la la la di daaa lalalalalala…

Because I’m a horny motherfucker who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the Oscars except when there’s titty slips and pussy uspkirts involved which unfortunately didn’t happen, let me focus on stuff that actually matters. Like Alessandra Amborosio’s doo-doo for example.

I know I’ve said it and I’m gonna say it again, I’m not a fan of chicks who reminds me of the malnourished skinned chickens hung and lined up at our local Chinese butcher shop but this evil bitch is basically asking for a butt fuck and as someone with a peen, we are not accustomed to say no to opportunities that gives said peen a taste of the forbidden hole. So here’s Alessandra bent over in a pink bikini. Because she can.

I’ve always thought this Taylor Swift chick was funny-looking. The creepy alien-like eyes and chicken legs ain’t helping either so it remains a mystery to me why she’s pretty famous ‘coz she’ll always be some country singer chick who got owned by Gayfish West in the MTV Awards to me.

Well that, and the boring hoe who wore boner-killer granny panties at a concert one.

Realizing her two minutes of fame is up for having been knocked up by some d-lister manwhore named Scott Dick Disick, the same tool whose nickname in college was STD(true story), here’s Kourtney Kardashian walking her lactating jugs around Miami for some paparazzi lovin’.

Maaaann..look at those motherfuckers waiting for me to motorboat the milk outta them! This is the only thing I like about pregnant women, they come with lubricant for the smooth sailing.

Hot daaaaamn sweet momma…those things could just might be the answer to world peace.

Now this right here is what I want to see first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Okay and maybe on my lunch break too…and can we slip that in my 15-min cig break? I don’t know exactly when these cum-inducing shots were taken nor do I give a flying fuck. All I want to do now is to fap fap fap. So if you’ll excuse me, I have a ‘huge’ problem…worse than world peace, that needs to be taken care of.

Apparently there are other things Lindsay Hoehan wanted to do with her life apart from her dream of being that one porn star who passes out on the set from snorting coke out of ten black dude’s ass before giving them rimjobs, she decided it was time to author a book. That’s a big dream Lindsay. Perhaps you can first try reading a book.

“I write a lot and it’s very therapeutic for me because then I can see what’s happening on paper,” she tells Britain’s OK! magazine. “I’ve started writing a book. It’s going to take a while, all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There’s a lot to put down, you know?” -via E! News

At this rate, I’m pretty sure all that book would be about are sketches of red bull, stick figures performing 69, coke and if we’re lucky, a title. Dan Brown better pack it up ‘coz he ain’t got shit on this one.

In picking the kind of girls to bring home, I always take my momma’s advice. She told me someone with character is always a keeper otherwise she’s gonna be some chick you’ll have to kick out of your bed the next morning. Well mom, I think I finally found the right one and oh man.. does she have a huge personality–on her chest! That should count right? Right mom? Mom?

Here’s my future girlfriend Rosie Jones taking out her ‘personalities’ for me in Nuts magazine.

Realizing that her only true calling was to pose naked for magazines, Lindsay Hoehan took a break from snorting coke from public bathrooms to begin the metamorphosis by showing some doo-doo for Purple magazine and I have to admit, this is the best I’ve seen her in a while.

That being said, I’d hit it with my pork sword after snorting a pile from her sweet freckled ass.